Ahhhhh, free time..... I can barely remember what that was like..... not that Im complaining, mind you, but I keep waiting for a small block of time to be able to freely explore my thoughts and write an update on this here blog...... blocks of time are no more. An occasional glimpse maybe, enough to, I don't know, eat....or shower....maybe even do some homework.... but paradoxically, my point with all this rambling is that Id better just get to the point. No time to dwell. Which is for the best. So here, briefly, are some of the topics weighing on my mighty, little mind..............
1.Lawns- I always kind of thought the way we raise grass just to continually chop it down is kind of dumb and even kind of cruel. I always like when grass gets unruly and starts breaking through sidewalks and stuff. Feels like some sort of victory I want to relate to or something. And while I can admire a nicely landscaped area, I have no interest in tending to one. And people around here (most of NJ is actually pretty rural for those of you who dont know) are like so into land.... which I still don't particularly get either, for one because I don't know why anyone needs a lot of land unless it is used for your economic survival and two, because all anyone with land ever does is complain about the upkeep. Recently I heard an NPR story about how yards... you know, our typical manicured lawns.... how they started as a status symbol...as a way of saying "Look how rich I am, I don't need to use my land to grow food"... which is so fascinating and I can't stop thinking about it. Maybe because I have 1/2 and acre and I hear all the time about the task of mowing it, but it's not just my household.... like I said, everyone here complains about mowing their acreage (which is the norm to have) but they also complain about how "close" together homes are in other parts of the country, and I just don't get what the appeal of all this space is, besides some outdated interpretation of the american dream. I mean if you had a forrest or a meadow or a stream or something I get it..... but half an acre of planted grass.....
2. Aimee Mann.... I am so obsessed with her. "Bachelor No.2" was heard several times a day- no exaggeration- throughout the end of my pregnancy and I related so much to the music- the lyrics, the writing, the production... that I felt as if I made that record. I know that sounds weird but I don't know how else to explain it. I wonder if other musicians have ever had this experience. Now, Im onto "Lost in Space" and I just feel like she and her team are brilliant and make the kind of record that just gives and gives and gives, relentlessly, no matter how many times you listen, it still has more to offer, and I love love LOVE albums like that. Albums like that can slip under the radar so easily because you have to listen to them over and over as they reveal their charm and beauty. But I can't get enough of Aimee Mann.
3. My diet has been like 90 % vegan lately and I like that... its something I thought would be too extreme for me but I might be headed that way entirely. Something Im thinking about.
4. I am working on demos for my 3rd album and more than ever am trying to stay focused on my own self expression. So many times I think we muddle our creativity thinking "Does this make sense" or "what should go here" or the worst, "will anyone like this?" and I am trying to remember that I create to have some tangible expression of who I am and what my experience in this world is and that really is the ultimate purpose- not for people to relate, not to make a "great" record, not to write a 'hit' song..... Id be lying if I said I didn't hope the stars align and all of those elements weave together into one brilliant legacy, but I have a feeling that by abiding by the first rule, the others might follow, and if the others followed without abiding, it might not feel good.....and I definitely make music to feel good.
5. Being a parent is heartbreaking. This is a thought for that elusive 'block' of time, but let's just say I spend many an aching moment wondering why we bring such perfection, such purity and innocence and beauty, into this world knowing of the inevitable pain it will face. I try not to get so caught up in this stuff and to be more in the 'now' but it is hard for me... its so hard when the urge to protect him is so strong ..... it doesnt help that my mind runs wild so often.... I think I could benefit from some meditation or mantra techniques or something.... but who has the time!
Well, thats a start.... now its 1:30am and I can BEGIN doing some work.
Put your shoulder to the wheel; push along.
Do your duty with a heart full of song.
We all have work; let no one shirk.
Put your shoulder to the wheel
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What do Joni MItchell, Bonnie Raitt, Billie Holiday, Dolly Parton, Stevie Nicks, Sally RIde, Ayn Rand, and Gloria Steinem have in common?
They are all Childless.
Until you do it, you wouldn't BELIEVE how much time, energy, and focus being a good mom takes. I grew up in the post-feminist era of believing I can have it all- the passion, the career, the relationship, the family, the hobbies, and the sanity. I'm pretty sure I've already sacrificed the sanity in pursuit of balancing the rest. That was the least interesting one anyway. But in all honesty, I have to wonder if it really is possible. Not in the "when you wish upon a star" realm of possibilities, but the won't-stay-down-for-naps-just-wants-to-be-held-lucky-if-I-get-to-eat-let-alone-finish-a-song-grocery-shopping-at-midnight-cause-thats-the-first-chance-I-get realm. You know, reality.
I realize I am still adjusting. we are still adjusting. A life changing event that redefines your lifestyle, priorities, and perspective takes some getting used to. And believe me, if anybody can have it all, it's me. And with school starting next week, a quasi-online craft business, summer gigs coming up, a third album in the works, a paid PR gig working from home, and this random part-time weekend work....combined with daily voice lessons, core workouts, grocery shopping and cooking, plus keeping my little abode tidy and dirty-diaper-free....oh yeah, and making the time for my husband and I to keep some semblance of a relationship that doesn't involve the ABC's and onesies.......all of this being juggled around the constant interaction and care that my child needs..... well, let's just say I guess I still believe it is possible.....
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I am a sucker for songs about New York. Especially ones that are somehow sad and inspiring at the same time.... or maybe everything about NY feels sad and inspiring to me. Sad in the 'crushed dreams' kind of way. They might be crushed but they are still dreams. Im not being cryptic about my own life, I am too young to have any dreams crushed yet =) but I mean thats part of the appeal to me I think, the city is so alive... I mean, really alive and that encompasses everything... at any given moment, someone within 22 square miles of you is accomplishing their masterpiece, having their heart broken, changing their mind, talking to a crazy person, being that crazy person, seeing something theyve never seen before, eating afghan food, making a living selling pretzels, getting lost on the subway, finishing the creation of their best song/novel/monologue/score/script/dish/theory/picture yet..... I love all this stuff. The great parts and the sad parts, the highs and the lows, all of it happening at once, like the end of "A day in the life"... that's what the city feels like to me and I love it..... What prompted this is this song by Paloma Faith.... I have no idea who she is but Ive listened to this song on repeat for the past half hour. Makes me want to hop in the car and start heading east. Paloma Faith
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Well, First of all, Happy mother's day to all the mothers out there!! I always knew that being a parent was one of those things you intellectually know is something you have to experience to relate to, but now that I AM one, I understand what that actually means.
I am finding it challenging to balance all of my interests and responsibilities, as being a good mom undoubtedly comes first, but if I am not a happy, whole person then I cannot be a really good mom and if I am not integrating all my interests and goals, then I am not a happy, whole person..... so it is kind of this big, circular balancing act right now..... I am learning how to do it and what works and what doesn't and I am getting a little more used to this parenting thing, learning to anticipate and understand what his needs are more each day.
My son has already been front and center at my last 2 gigs and my husband takes late night/early morning duty so that I can spend late hours in the studio working on my next album.... still, it is all exhausting but to tell you the truth, Ive always thrived when I have too much on my plate..... its the only way I seem to get things done!
By the way..... this photo was taken before I had coffee.... I was not thinking clearly to allow this to happen.
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Well, as many of you already know, I did it! My SON is 4 weeks old now and this past month has been a whirlwind!. The labor was really intense- it lasted 6 hours from start to finish, and I managed to do it all drug free! Considering that he was 9lbs 11oz, I was very proud of myself!! For the record, I mainly listened to Sigur Ros () and I think the hypnobirthing really prepared me mentally for the birth- it made me really confident to trust my body and do it natural- but throughout labor, I cannot say I was in some deeply relaxed state of mind. In fact, I was almost having a psychedellic experience, like the pain and shock to my system threw me into some other place. It's hard to describe... It was a really crazy experience though. And at the end of it all? A baby boy! A baby boy.... I'm still pretty much in awe at the whole thing- the pregnancy, the birth, the baby... It's AMAZING in the truest sense. A friend of mine told me that only parents walk in the light and I am beginning to understand.
So I'll give you my first impression of parenthood before I try and squeeze in a meal while he naps... Obviously I had no idea what to expect. My pregnancy was not "typical", full of the "symptoms" and things all the books and well- meaning women warn you about. My labor was not "typical" and as my widwife told me, "you are not most women"... So I shouldn't be surprised that the 2 things I heard most about the beginning of parenthood-1. You will fall in love with the baby when you first hold him and 2. The love between you and your husband will get so much deeper-didn't really happen that way. For starters, I don't think most people have, let alone understand, the bond that my husband and I share. I'm sure everybody thinks this, but we really do have something different. It is so solid and deep and having this child certainly has enriched us as a couple, bringing new adventure and challenges to our life... And I can't explain what it's like to look at my husband and our child, and what that does to my heart, but no- we didnot reach some new plateau of love through this baby. We have already been there since day one... And since falling in love with him has really been my only experience "falling in love" I thought the whole "falling in love" with your baby would be the same- I'm talking the stuff songs are written about and dream sequences are filmed for, like colors brighter and songbirds singing and flowers and fireworks and champagne and elation... But to me, the love for my child is much too... Instinctual for all that stuff. There is no room for poetry here, do you know what I mean? My love is unconditional and infinite, but it's really really basic- like it's a given. That's my CHILD. I love him like a lioness loves her cubs. There was no falling. Just love.
I could go on and on about my new role in life... And I will.... But time is more precious than ever- it's great for my procrastination because when you have a 2 hour window to get things done for the day, you choose those things wisely!!
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