I am a sucker for songs about New York. Especially ones that are somehow sad and inspiring at the same time.... or maybe everything about NY feels sad and inspiring to me. Sad in the 'crushed dreams' kind of way. They might be crushed but they are still dreams. Im not being cryptic about my own life, I am too young to have any dreams crushed yet =) but I mean thats part of the appeal to me I think, the city is so alive... I mean, really alive and that encompasses everything
... at any given moment, someone within 22 square miles of you is accomplishing their masterpiece, having their heart broken, changing their mind, talking to a crazy person, being that crazy person, seeing something theyve never seen before, eating afghan food, making a living selling pretzels, getting lost on the subway, finishing the creation of their best song/novel/monologue/score/script/dish/theory/picture yet..... I love all this stuff. The great parts and the sad parts, the highs and the lows, all of it happening at once, like the end of "A day in the life"... that's what the city feels like to me and I love it..... What prompted this is this song by Paloma Faith.... I have no idea who she is but Ive listened to this song on repeat for the past half hour. Makes me want to hop in the car and start heading east. Paloma Faith
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Well, First of all, Happy mother's day to all the mothers out there!! I always knew that being a parent was one of those things you intellectually know is something you have to experience to relate to, but now that I AM one, I understand
what that actually means.
I am finding it challenging to balance all of my interests and responsibilities, as being a good mom undoubtedly comes first, but if I am not a happy, whole person then I cannot be a really good mom and if I am not integrating all my interests and goals, then I am not a happy, whole person..... so it is kind of this big, circular balancing act right now..... I am learning how to do it and what works and what doesn't and I am getting a little more used to this parenting thing, learning to anticipate and understand what his needs are more each day.
My son has already been front and center at my last 2 gigs and my husband takes late night/early morning duty so that I can spend late hours in the studio working on my next album.... still, it is all exhausting but to tell you the truth, Ive always thrived when I have too much
on my plate..... its the only way I seem to get things done!
By the way..... this photo was taken before I had coffee.... I was not thinking clearly to allow this to happen.
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Well, as many of you already know, I did it! My SON is 4 weeks old now and this past month has been a whirlwind!. The labor was really intense- it lasted 6 hours from start to finish, and I managed to do it all drug free! Considering that he was 9lbs 11oz, I was very proud of myself!! For the record, I mainly listened to Sigur Ros () and I think the hypnobirthing really prepared me mentally for the birth- it made me really confident to trust my body and do it natural- but throughout labor, I cannot say I was in some deeply relaxed state of mind. In fact, I was almost having a psychedellic experience, like the pain and shock to my system threw me into some other place. It's hard to describe... It was a really crazy experience though. And at the end of it all? A baby boy! A baby boy.... I'm still pretty much in awe at the whole thing- the pregnancy, the birth, the baby... It's AMAZING in the truest sense. A friend of mine told me that only parents walk in the light and I am beginning to understand.
So I'll give you my first impression of parenthood before I try and squeeze in a meal while he naps... Obviously I had no idea what to expect. My pregnancy was not "typical", full of the "symptoms" and things all the books and well- meaning women warn you about. My labor was not "typical" and as my widwife told me, "you are not most women"... So I shouldn't be surprised that the 2 things I heard most about the beginning of parenthood-1. You will fall in love with the baby when you first hold him and 2. The love between you and your husband will get so much deeper-didn't really happen that way. For starters, I don't think most people have, let alone understand, the bond that my husband and I share. I'm sure everybody thinks this, but we really do have something different. It is so solid and deep and having this child certainly has enriched us as a couple, bringing new adventure and challenges to our life... And I can't explain what it's like to look at my husband and our child, and what that does to my heart, but no- we didnot reach some new plateau of love through this baby. We have already been there since day one... And since falling in love with him has really been my only experience "falling in love" I thought the whole "falling in love" with your baby would be the same- I'm talking the stuff songs are written about and dream sequences are filmed for, like colors brighter and songbirds singing and flowers and fireworks and champagne and elation... But to me, the love for my child is much too... Instinctual for all that stuff. There is no room for poetry here, do you know what I mean? My love is unconditional and infinite, but it's really really basic- like it's a given. That's my CHILD. I love him like a lioness loves her cubs. There was no falling. Just love.
I could go on and on about my new role in life... And I will.... But time is more precious than ever- it's great for my procrastination because when you have a 2 hour window to get things done for the day, you choose those things wisely!!
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I hope you have all enjoyed my minimal pregnancy posts, because I don't think I will ever have another child. I don't particularly want to turn this into a wallowing rant here, but I am 40 weeks pregnant and have no knowledge of baby bliss and therefore only know what it feels like to be uncomfortably, ungratifyingly, impossibly pregnant. Yes, I am bursting with life, yes, it is amazing what my body has done, yes, I am blessed to have a healthy fat peanut in there. No, I am not sleeping well. No, I do not feel good, and NO I do not want to talk to you. I used to think there is no way I'd have only one child, because my brothers are my best friends and I couldnt imagine a childhood without allies like that. But life sure has a way of teaching you to never say never, doesn't it? I don't think I want to do this again. ever.
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So Ive been aaaaalmost entirely off the refined sugar for aaaalmost my entire pregnancy, Ive been making some bomb-ass delicious muffins - vegan and agave sweetened or eating these ridiculously good maple-sugar coated nuts for a sweet fix..... but guys, I have to tell you, I am a little bit obsessed right now with this treat- its organic, low fat frozen yogurt so as far as "treats" are concerned, its really not bad.... in fact, its really, really good. so good, I felt inspired to write about it. And I don't want to hear ONE WORD about my hormones. They have nothing to do with this.
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