Well, as many of you already know, I did it! My SON is 4 weeks old now and this past month has been a whirlwind!. The labor was really intense- it lasted 6 hours from start to finish, and I managed to do it all drug free! Considering that he was 9lbs 11oz, I was very proud of myself!! For the record, I mainly listened to Sigur Ros () and I think the hypnobirthing really prepared me mentally for the birth- it made me really confident to trust my body and do it natural- but throughout labor, I cannot say I was in some deeply relaxed state of mind. In fact, I was almost having a psychedellic experience, like the pain and shock to my system threw me into some other place. It's hard to describe... It was a really crazy experience though. And at the end of it all? A baby boy! A baby boy.... I'm still pretty much in awe at the whole thing- the pregnancy, the birth, the baby... It's AMAZING in the truest sense. A friend of mine told me that only parents walk in the light and I am beginning to understand.
So I'll give you my first impression of parenthood before I try and squeeze in a meal while he naps... Obviously I had no idea what to expect. My pregnancy was not "typical", full of the "symptoms" and things all the books and well- meaning women warn you about. My labor was not "typical" and as my widwife told me, "you are not most women"... So I shouldn't be surprised that the 2 things I heard most about the beginning of parenthood-1. You will fall in love with the baby when you first hold him and 2. The love between you and your husband will get so much deeper-didn't really happen that way. For starters, I don't think most people have, let alone understand, the bond that my husband and I share. I'm sure everybody thinks this, but we really do have something different. It is so solid and deep and having this child certainly has enriched us as a couple, bringing new adventure and challenges to our life... And I can't explain what it's like to look at my husband and our child, and what that does to my heart, but no- we didnot reach some new plateau of love through this baby. We have already been there since day one... And since falling in love with him has really been my only experience "falling in love" I thought the whole "falling in love" with your baby would be the same- I'm talking the stuff songs are written about and dream sequences are filmed for, like colors brighter and songbirds singing and flowers and fireworks and champagne and elation... But to me, the love for my child is much too... Instinctual for all that stuff. There is no room for poetry here, do you know what I mean? My love is unconditional and infinite, but it's really really basic- like it's a given. That's my CHILD. I love him like a lioness loves her cubs. There was no falling. Just love.
I could go on and on about my new role in life... And I will.... But time is more precious than ever- it's great for my procrastination because when you have a 2 hour window to get things done for the day, you choose those things wisely!!
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I hope you have all enjoyed my minimal pregnancy posts, because I don't think I will ever have another child. I don't particularly want to turn this into a wallowing rant here, but I am 40 weeks pregnant and have no knowledge of baby bliss and therefore only know what it feels like to be uncomfortably, ungratifyingly, impossibly pregnant. Yes, I am bursting with life, yes, it is amazing what my body has done, yes, I am blessed to have a healthy fat peanut in there. No, I am not sleeping well. No, I do not feel good, and NO I do not want to talk to you. I used to think there is no way I'd have only one child, because my brothers are my best friends and I couldnt imagine a childhood without allies like that. But life sure has a way of teaching you to never say never, doesn't it? I don't think I want to do this again. ever.
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So Ive been aaaaalmost entirely off the refined sugar for aaaalmost my entire pregnancy, Ive been making some bomb-ass delicious muffins - vegan and agave sweetened or eating these ridiculously good maple-sugar coated nuts for a sweet fix..... but guys, I have to tell you, I am a little bit obsessed right now with this treat- its organic, low fat frozen yogurt so as far as "treats" are concerned, its really not bad.... in fact, its really, really good. so good, I felt inspired to write about it. And I don't want to hear ONE WORD about my hormones. They have nothing to do with this.
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Wow these last few weeks of pregnancy are intense for me. I guess because it has been really so easy for me, no symptoms, no pains, and really, I'm not trying to paint a different picture than that because I still feel very blessed and lucky and healthy. But I have gained 40 Lbs (which is more than a third of my starting weight, thankyouverymuch) and its all baby, all in front, which is great, but just imagine strapping a 40 lb. bowling ball to your torso... how awkward and difficult it would make things.... how heavy you would feel. I can't wait to feel light
again! Putting on pants is difficult, nevermind the shoes. Walking my dog takes like 20x more effort than it used to. Hell, walking around the grocery store wears me out! And I can feel the subtle ways my body is preparing for labor. Toward the end, we release something called 'relaxin' which loosens all the ligaments and muscles in the body to help open the baby's passageway.... well, it also causes me to feel like my legs dont even work... it is also the culprit of the charming pregnancy "waddle" which I refuse to admit that I have (cause I dont) and being so big now, it is nearly impossible to be comfortable, ever. I don't care what anybody says about having a newborn, I KNOW it will be easier on me than this last stage of pregnancy. I don't care about sleepless nights, I never have, and at least it will be me- just ME- getting up ten times to soothe or feed or whatever. Right now it is us- me plus 40 lb. baby waking up to pee 50 times and needing a whole upper-body workout routine just to turn over and push myself out of bed. I am just really really done with it and I am ready to meet this kid and tell him whats up. I can hardly sing anymore since there is no room for oxygen in my lungs, the guitar doesnt fit, Im tired of the maternity clothes and if I have to go over the checklist of things I need for the baby one more time, my head is going to explode.
On a bright note, being so close makes it finally feel real and I am actually starting to get excited. My birthing classes have really helped my anxiety about the labor itself- we are taking hypnobirthing which is just a really awesome approach, focused on letting go of all fear and tension and essentially occupying the mind with relaxing techniques so that your body can do its job without interference. I am hoping to have a completely natural birth, without induction or epidurals or anything.... and I am sick of people "warning" me to be open to those things if they become medically necessary. If I wasn't open to it, Id be having a home birth. I will be in a hospital. Enough said. I don't know why people want to make sure you have some "reasonable" amount of fear about things at all times. Why doesn't anyone ever just say "Thats wonderful" and let it be? I always heard it about pursuing music and having something to fall back on, even when I was getting married, people made sure to "inform" me of how difficult it might be or what could go wrong, and now having a child, I am sure this wont be the last of everyone's "helpful" advice. But really, why don't we just accept each other's different approaches more and offer support and encouragement, why do we always have to interject what we think is best for them.... I understand it often comes from a loving place, but we really should all work on being more positive toward one another. I'm going to try and catch myself doing it too.
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Website, Snow, Sunny Days Ahead....
Ugh, so the website has been really annoying, my server "upgraded" everything which apparently means they made it so nothing works right. I got a great review of "Sparkle Plenty" you can read here: http://indiemusicdigest.com/Ashley%20Th ... eview.html
and I have some exciting things in the works this summer. I am snowed in, we got, I dont know, 15 inches? yesterday and I had my first snow day! I admit it was fun, we built a snowman and had fun running around with our dog in the knee-deep snow.... ok, so I dont do much running these days but I was putting a lot of effort into walking through it! Still, its back to functioning in the "real" world and taking care of the day-to-day stuff in the snow is what I dont like about it. Snow day at home? fun. getting your car out from under 15-inches and driving on snowy icy roads just to go to work? Bummer. Boy I am really looking forward to the summer. Ill even take spring at this point. To all my southern California friends- appreciate, appreciate, appreciate the weather you are blessed with!!
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