So I went to the local community college here on Friday night and saw Harry Belafonte speak... I thought it was pretty random that he would be there and I've always enjoyed what I know of his music so I thought "why not"?! Why not indeed. He is incredible. I had no idea that he is such an activist for peace and human rights. He has known and worked with just about every important leader in the last half century.... he is captivating and genuine and really really amazing. What a fascinating man. This college by the way has a new student by the name of moi. Yes folks, I bit the proverbial bullet and am officially, once again, a college student. It i something that sounds like a good idea in theory, doesn't sound all that great practically but I am looking forward to just the same. I guess one benefit for me of having nothing to do in New Jersey is using my time productively like this.
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This is why you're fat
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Being a "grown-up" kind of sucks. I mean it has its good points but a lot of it sucks. Like lets take Easter for example. Whatever happened to Easter for me? Well for one I am not religious and neither is my family. Kid Ashley didn't care about any of that and looked forward to dyeing eggs and finding them and having a special day out of the ordinary. Grown up Ashley has plenty of opinions on religion and thinks it is full of strange rituals that she'd rather not take part in, Easter being one of them. Kid Ashley liked getting lots of candy for Easter. Grown up Ashley is watching her sugar intake and, after abstaining from it for a while, doesn't even enjoy half of the sweets she used to. Kid Ashley liked getting together with her family for any reason. Grown up Ashley is working tomorrow...... Why does everything turn so serious and symbolic and important as we get older? Sometimes I feel like every choice I make is going to have some catastrophic domino effect on the rest of my life like if I eat that candy bar I am going to have a sugar high and then crash and then I will want to nap and since I don't sleep well at night, I will take the nap and then when I wake up it will be evening and I will be groggy and by the time I have dinner and wake up my in-laws will be asleep and I wont be able to play my new dulcimer and I will never learn to play it and therefore I will never have fresh and different ideas for songs and I will never be successful and make a living from music and I will have to be a waitress for the rest of my life and feel like a failure and live vicariously through my children and probably form some kind of awful habit to cope with it......... all from a candy bar.
Am I neurotic?
Happy Easter.
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Ok guys I really think I have a happiness switch activated by sunlight. It is clear, crisp, sunny, and I wouldn't say warm, it isn't freezing and that feels pretty damn good. And I just have that feeling- you know the inexplicable contentment, the really real and natural one just because... The feeling that feels so far away when you are depressed, the one where Louie Armstrong is singing " What a wonderful world" and it's not at all hokey, it's right on. I'm having one of those days.
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Sometimes I think it takes so much out of a person just to keep a "smoothly" running day to day life. Like just to make sure the laundry is done and the dishes are clean and the bills are paid and there is healthful food to eat and the mail is sent and that you have a conversation with the people you care about here and there.... I mean I know I am endlessly struggling with my inner voice and all of my "problems", especially the fact that I have no real problems to speak of... though I hate my day job, thank heavens I have a job. I don't have a home of my own, but I have a roof over my head. I struggle to make ends meet, but they meet. And somehow, on top if it all, I manage to travel and buy records and pursue creative outlets. Pretty damn fortunate..... and here I am feeling wiped out because I worked and cooked and went to the post office and the grocery store..... I mean, is it just me or does everyone have a hard time staying on top of the things that constantly need staying on top of? Its like just a moment of relief because although as I sit here now, my laundry is done and I have prepared a few meals and checked a few boxes off of the "things Ive been meaning to do" list, in another couple of days, clothes will be dirty, the fridge will be empty, and and and..... I guess I always feel like I should be able to do more. Shouldn't I?
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